Second chances: Remembering What Was and Moving Forward – Marriage Second Time Around

 
Todays blog post is totally stream of consciousness, as my head won’t rest on pictures of dresses and centrepieces.  I still have time.  My wonderful fiancé just asked how I am feeling, as I have been unwell, and I replied ‘maudlin and introspective’.  Other than mumbling….what? He kind of left me to it, as he knows me, and he knows I have to straighten things out on my own head before I can even begin to verbalise them.  I’m getting married in six days….SIX DAYS….and I am so happy, so so overwhelmingly pleased this is happening.  That at 32, I have already got my second chance.  But today I’m thinking of another girl, someone I’ve written of before on the blog, so you may recognise her.
 
She is 16 and scared.  So very scared.  She can only ever remember being scared, so in some ways it is comforting to her.  It is known.  She doesn’t know what happy feels like, so scared feels like home, and even though it is not home, she runs there, to a different kind of scared, because she has no choice, and this different kind of scared might be better.  It just might.  She is pregnant, and though the year is 1999 she has been convinced that marrying the father is her only option.  Lies are easier to tell to someone who is young, damaged and afraid.  Over the coming decade, she will have two beautiful babies laid down in her arms, but will pay a big price.  She will lose her youth, her innocence, and very nearly her mind and her life.  When she marries the man, who on their wedding day is more than twice her age, who does not speak to her for the whole day, except to say I do, there are whispers of what will come.  Whispers in a language she does not yet know but will soon come to understand.
 
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about her, and feeling thankful that, unlike this young girl, I am 32 and have had a chance to live.  My body is weary and battle-scarred, and I have lost more than I had ever hoped to acquire in my 32 years, but what I have gained is perspective, maturity and a mind that is my own.  I know I am making the choice to marry my fiancé because I love him, and not because I have been painted into a corner with no way to get out.  I am glad to be 32.  I am glad to have an identity of my own.
 
Avicii – Wake Me Up
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where it starts
They tell me I’m too young to understand
They say I’m caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes
Well that’s fine by me

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
I hope I get the chance to travel the world
And I don’t have any plans
I wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is a prize

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost

 
 A thousand individual heartbreaks, a thousand lost reasons to smile.  A thousand missed opportunities, a thousand farewells.  But I did not sleep through it – I lived through it.
 
Thank you Jason for finding me, and helping me find myself.  I didn’t know I was lost.

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