Okay, so I’ve been away for a hot minute, but I have so much to tell you I don’t even know where to start! Well, you know how much I like to talk shit, so I’ll put my best foot forward and begin with that. IBS is a great leveler. I mean, when you’ve sharted on a train your hubris just has to turn to humorous, or you’ll make yourself sick with worry – and I don’t mean that as a turn of phrase. Anxiety over what your digestive system is going to throw at you on any given day can make a person really unwell.
Good news for me, I’m over that for the most part and try to see the funny in most of life’s fundamental fucks ups, be they in body, mind or those tricky outside things in life that also fall under the heading of “things we cannot control”. So, let me tell you about my magic toilet. No, I do not have spangles disease and mean to say “torch” or “school bus” (sorry under 30’s, you may have to take a google break)…I really do have a magic toilet!
Regular visitors to my home get the 5 cent tour, which includes:
“Here’s the kettle…there’s the tea…I’m not allowed near hot things so you’ll have to make it yourself. I have cake but you’ll have to cut that yourself as I’m not allowed near sharp things either”. #notjoking
“Here’s the hallway…wtf can you say about a hallway? Oh yes, mine has a stair lift. No you can’t use it. You have a blue badge? Oh go on then”.
“Now THIS is the bathroom. Let me tell you about the toilet…”.
Now like most magical things, my toilet only works to your benefit if you know how to use it and it has surprised many a visitor who skipped the tour. Made specifically for disabled people and those with limited mobility, my loo has its own remote and sensor. It’s practically psychic.
What could it possibly control? The flush of course, at the press of a button. The wall sensor also flushes the loo when you wave your hand (or other body part) in front of it. It can also be used to switch on the extractor fan, necessary after number twos. The main event however is…wait for it…that is cleans and dries your bum-bum, just like a car wash cleans your car. Well, sort of.
At the click of a button (are you sensing a theme here?) your loo doubles as a bidet, and squirts water at your derriere at body temperature so no nasty shocks (unless you like that of course) in variable locations (in case your butt is huge or you are a girl and want to wash your foof) AND and seven different intensities. I know this *sounds* like QVC but I promise I have had this loo for 7 years and it comes courtesy of my occupational therapist.
Squirter intensity settings
1. Please girl, you expect me to reach your booty an this pressure?
2.I hope you didn’t eat corn
3.This could work
4. Okay girl, we’re cooking with gas
5. What did you eat?
6.Seriously, what did you eat?
7.If you need this setting I think an enema may be called for
And a nice air dry, similar to that following wees in the woods or at a festival when you’re not wearing panties.
So, you’ve had my five cent tour without even visiting my home, and not even had to listen to today’s IBS report. Don’t worry, I’m saving that for another post…the toilet steals the show here!
Do you have IBS?
What are your top tips for others, especially those who are newly diagnosed?